Future Ted: Kids, I’m going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother
(Pilot, S01e01)
Future Ted: Because that, kids, is the true story, of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Son: Aunt Robin?
Daughter: I thought this was about how you met mom!
Future Ted: Will you relax? I’m getting to it. Like I said it’s a long story
(Pilot, S01e01)
Marshall: Alright, we threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody wanged, everybody chunged. Now the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me, “I will not have sex with Marshall”.
Lily & Ted: I will not have sex with Marshall
(Purple Giraffe, S01e02)
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be – what’s the word? LEGENDARY
(Sweet Taste of Liberty, S01e03)
Robin: So, I’m not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying “booger” for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not. Because now you’re saying “nipple”, and it’s a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.
(Return of the Shirt, S01e04)
Marshall: Dude, what’s Krav Maga ?
Ted: I have no idea. Some kind of yoga ?
(Return of the Shirt, S01e04)
Future Ted: Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga. It’s a form of gorilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army.
(Return of the Shirt, S01e04)
Robin: Because tonight, I am getting us all into “Okay”.
Barney: “Okay” !? Awesome !!
Ted: What’s going on, did I just have a stroke ?
Barney: “Okay” is the name of a club. Yeah, it’s supposed to be incredibly exclusive. This friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, he couldn’t get in.
Ted: A friend of yours named you ?
Barney: No… a friend of mine named, shut up.
(Okay Awesome, S01e05)
Ted: What ? What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with ?
Barney: That was my cousin, Leslie.
Ted: (laughs) What ?!
Barney: No, no, no… we are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not going to be some funny story that we’ll be telling in a couple months. It’s not gonna be like, “Hey, remember that time when you were grinding with… NO ! And you know why ? Because, italics, this night did not happen. And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another soul what transpired here tonight. You promise. Promise
(Okay Awesome, S01e05)
Ted: I was at this Halloween party up on the roof of our building. I’m about to call it an early night when out of nowhere appeared this girl in the sexiest pumpkin costume.
Robin: Wait, how can a pumpkin costume be sexy?
Ted: It was carved in strategic places.
Ted: So, uh, we’re at the bar and I see her mix kahlua…
Lily: Kahlua and root beer
Marshall: A cocktail she invented herself.
Ted: And she…
Barney: And she called it the Tootsie Roll.
Lily, Marshall, Barney: Because it tastes like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll.
Ted: Hey, can I please tell this story? So we had this instant connection. She gave me her number, but then something…
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Something went terribly wrong.
Ted: Guys! Something went terribly wrong.
(S01e06 Slutty Pumpkin)
Robin: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin’s gonna show up.
Ted: Well, I’m pretty drunk. Look, I know that odds are the love of my life isn’t going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning but it seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.
(S01e06 Slutty Pumpkin)
Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: What?
Lily: It’s some sort of mutant combination of the two. It’s as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know…
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
(S01e07 Matchmaker)
Ellen: You I can work with. You give me three days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: Ah, no thanks. I don’t need an algorithm to meet women. It’s New York City. You know, plenty of fish in the sea.
Ellen: Plenty of fish in the sea. Yes, there’s 9 million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course you wanna meet someone roughly your own age, let’s say, plus minus 5 years. So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000. But, uh, wait, 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives and oh, we can’t forget those lesbians and then that leaves us with 8 women.
Ted: That can’t be right. Eight? Really, eight?
Ellen: There are 8 fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there’s the door.
Ted: Do you take credit cards?
(S01e07 Matchmaker)
Barney: I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon law.
Robin: A lemon law, like for cars.
Barney: Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you’re going to commit to an entire evening. And if you don’t, it’s no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. Huh? Huh? The lemon law, it’s gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now.
(S01e08 The Duel)
Lily: On Monday I’m gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin’ broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn’t go all the way through.
Lily: I’m sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?
(S01e08 The Duel)
Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word ‘out’, ‘oot’.
Robin: You guys are the world’s leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: [pause] Your cops are called ‘mounties’
(S01e09 Belly full of Turkey)
Barney: No, no, that’s a great idea. That’s the whole point of getting drunk. You do things you would never do in a million years if you were sober.
Lily: Says every girl you’ve ever slept with
(S01e10 Pineapple Incident)
Lily: There’s a girl in there.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: And a pineapple.
Ted: I know.
(S01e10 Pineapple Incident)
Ted: And who’s the girl in my bed?
(Barney looks at Lily and Marshall and Ted, stumbles over to Ted’s room and peeks in, closes door and stumbles back to living room) Barney: There’s a girl in your bed.
Marshall: And a pineapple. Am I the only one who’s curious about the pineapple?
(S01e10 Pineapple Incident)
Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okie? These are the kinds of things I think about
(S01e10 Pineapple Incident)
Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs… It’s like we’re the president.
(S01e11 The Limo)
Barney: You don’t bring a date to a wedding. That’s like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip
(S01e12 The Wedding)
Barney: What I don’t get is, why is Claudia marrying Stuart? She’s way hotter than him. How way? Way way.
(S01e12 The Wedding)
Ted: Tell Claudia I’m sorry. Did she seem pissed at me?
Lily: She said if there’s no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000.
(S01e12 The Wedding)
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you try to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I’ll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
(S01e12 The Wedding)
Lily: OK, let’s not lose hope. We’ll call the hotel, maybe she was staying there. We’ll have them check the registry for anyone named Victoria. Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori…
Marshall: Or Ictor. Probably doesn’t go by Ictor.
(S01e13 Drumroll, please)
Ted: I don’t feel so good. t’s like my testicles mixed pop rocks and soda.
(S01e14 Zip, zip, zip)
Barney: The only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old.
(S01e14 Zip, zip, zip)
Victoria: I’ve only had two boyfriends before, Ted.
Robin: Prude alert!
Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I’ve dated others in between.
Robin: Slut alert!
(S01e15 Game Night)
Barney: Um, are you coloring in your butt?
Marshall: I have a big interview coming up, and my suit has holes in it. I can’t sew, I don’t own Navy boxers, so, yeah, I’m coloring in my butt
(S01e16 Cupcake)
Lily: Oh, my gosh, it’s perfect! Oh! This dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.
(S01e16 Cupcake)
Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let’s get to work. It’s 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
Marshall: I don’t have a back door.
Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: Right, well, I’m engaged.
Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: We’re still engaged.
Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!
(S01e17 Life Among the Gorillas)
Future Ted: But here’s the real question: It’s 2:00 a.m. Your friends are still out singing karaoke, but you’re home early ’cause you’re expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany, who was supposed to call four hours ago. And then the phone rings.
Ted: Hello.
Robin: Hi, Ted. It’s Robin. Um, listen, I know it’s late, but, uh, do you want to come over?
Future Ted: What do you do? Go.
(S01e17 Life Among the Gorillas)
Marshall: Do you remember the huge secret that you told me that you weren’t supposed to but you did? The thing… about Robin?
Barney: Oh, you mean how Robin’s in love with Ted?
Marshall & Lily: What?
Barney: Yeah, she told me already. Go on.
Marshall: Wait. So I’m the only one that she didn’t tell? She told you and not me?
Barney: Well, I guess I’m just better friends with her than you are.
Marshall: Well, I’m better friends with Ted than you are.
Barney: That is a lie!
Marshall: It is not a lie.
Barney: Okay, that’s it! You and me! I’m not afraid of you!
Marshall: I’ll show you things you never seen before! I used to box in the Army!
(S01e18 Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.)
Barney : But if you’re not interested, fine, I’m out 500 bucks. Whatever.
Ted: 500 bucks?
Barney: Ted, you’re my cabron. You think I’m gonna stick you with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority?
(S01e19 Mary the Paralegal)
Ted: Mary, I’m not going to have sex with a prostitute.
Mary: No Ted, I’m a paralegal.
Ted: You’re a hooker.
Mary: No, I’m a paralegal.
Ted: No, you’re a hooker.
Mary: No, I’m a paralegal.
Ted: [pause] You’re a paralegal.
(S01e19 Mary the Paralegal)
Marshall: Come on, if you don’t laugh, it just seems mean.
(S01e19 Mary the Paralegal)
Barney : Now, ladies, slut up!
(S01e20 Best Prom Ever)
Lily: Okay, yes, it’s a mistake. I know it’s a mistake. But there are certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake but you don’t really know it’s a mistake because the only way to really know it’s a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back, and say, “Yep. That was a mistake.” So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And, damn it, I’ve made no mistakes! I’ve done all of this– my life, my relationship, my career– mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don’t know. You said “mistake” a lot. Lily, don’t do this.
(S01e21 Milk)
Ted: I don’t want perfect. I want Robin.
Marshall: Oh, God, not this again. Ted, it’s a mistake.
Ted: Maybe. But it’s a mistake I have to make.
(S01e21 Milk)
Ted: Hey, Penelope, have you, uh, have you ever actually seen a rain dance performed?
Penelope: No.
Ted: No?
Penelope: I’ve read extensively on the subject: firsthand accounts, theoretical criticism, the anthropological…
Ted: Have you ever seen a rain dance?
Penelope: I’ve seen a film strip.
Ted: Terrific. Uh, look, I should run. I’m getting brain surgery from some guy who’s seen a couple episodes of E.R. I can’t believe this. We’ve been up here for the past hour making complete asses of ourselves.
Barney: What do you mean “we,” white man?
(S01e22 Come On)
Barney: Well, then why are you doing this?
Ted: Because I love her. I love her! I told her that the first night we went out, and here it is, eight months later, and nothing’s changed. So yes, I know this isn’t gonna work. But it has to work! You hear me, universe? This is Ted Mosby talking! Give me some rain! Come on! Come on! Come on…!
(Rain starts falling down)
Barney: Oh, come on!
(S01e22 Come On)